I've heard news today from a friend about another mutual friend of ours. Good news. Excellent news, in fact. Friend A told me that Friend B got a new job with an awesome company and the pay is amazing. Friend A told me this and I said to Friend A that that is indeed great news. Because Friend B is a good friend. Friend B is kind, funny, loyal and cool. Friend B is also damn pretty, thin, has the greatest hot boyfriend ever and smart. So now Friend B is kind, funny, loyal, cool, damn pretty, thin, has the greatest hot boyfriend ever, smart, has a great job and rich.
I'm happy for Friend B, I really am. I want good things to happen to my friends and this, is what I wish for all my friends.
So, I know that I'm not a good person when I can't help feeling envious and bloody jealous for Friend B.
I can't help it. I know I should be happy for her but I can't. God help me, I just can't. Like I said, I know I should be thankful that something great is happening to somebody nice but all I can feel is this overwhelming feeling of envy.
It got worse when I unconsciously tried to justify this evil feeling with ungracious thoughts. Like maybe Friend B wont like the job, or Friend B'd have a terrible boss and reminding myself with the fact that Friend B's relationship with Friend B's family is not good.
What the hell, man?
I hate it that I'm apparently petty and shallow and insincere. I hate it that I can't just be happy for a friend. I hate that I'm jealous someone is doing better than I am. I hate it that I need to remind myself of the bad things so that I'd stop feeling jealous. Why can't I just be happy for my friend? Do I want something bad to happen to these people I care about? Why do I need to force myself to feel happy about these things? What does that say about me? That all this while I think I'm better than others? What kind of a crappy friend am I? At that, what kind of person?
Not a good one, obviously. So now, I'm jealous, I'm feeling bad that I'm feeling jealous, I'm appalled with myself and with my behaviour and now I know for a fact that I am not a good person.
A colleague advised me to calm down and pergi ambil wudhu'. Helped a bit. That and this ranting I'm doing.
How do you deal with the fact that essentially you're not a good human being?
3 comments:
I have Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas video. Maybe that'll help.
Silence! I Kill You!
hahahahahahah
oh man, i've had the same evil thoughts but good thing it wasn't someone really close to me.
ati: see, youre not as evil as me.
im very not happy with the discovery that im a bad person.
betulbetul susah hati ok?
lizzam: who him?
Post a Comment