IMHO, It Sucked; My Movie Review-Twilight

Being the consummate trend setter that I am(ahem), I've decided to check out what's the fuss is all about, the hoopla about that new movie, you may have heard of it, Twilight (cue: tween screaming).
And thus was reminded that, like 80's, the public really has no idea what they're talking about. I mean, spandex bike shorts, hairspray and shoulder padding, people. Really?
It was probably the innate dislike I have for movies that open with self narration. Or maybe that the girl is has 0.5% star quality and her character is blander than a boiled cauliflower. Or the very selective vampire lore they decided to follow that basically makes their version of vampires neither bad, good or remotely interesting (this I need to explain: What they did was make a vampire with all the fairytale qualities [rich, superhuman powers, immortal, good looking] and blatantly force- feed viewers to like their fantasy version, hallowed out vampire. Vampire Barbies. Surprisingly, this also turn their vamps very, very, very, boring. A vampire who doesn't drink blood? And I did not see fangs. Roll in Angel and Spike, please).
Twilight continued to unashamedly disappoint me because even as a so-called romance movie, there are practically ZERO CHEMISTRY between the lead casts. Nada. Zilch. They could be siblings for all good that it does. I should also mention that I am unable to stretch my considerable imaginations to even consider thinking Robert Pattinson as anything but remotely okay looking. He is not hot. Not. Hot. Stop forcing us to think that he is. What was the line, "He is so hot but none of the girls here are good enough for him," Are. You. Serious? How on earth could the deluded casting him as Cedric Diggory be let to continue this long? Is his family in the mob? Why is this happening? Although, I have to admit, I was entranced by his magical hair, where unicorns and fairies come out to play. Also bad was the horrendous make up. Igh. I shall however, refrain myself from saying anything about the nonsensical plotline and inane scripts because I, for one, am not a movie elitist and has/will admit to have enjoyed watching precious crappola such as GI Jane, Shaun of the Dead and 2003's Italian Job. But they were bad, the scripts and storyline. I read somewhere that the script was written in 6 weeks. I say, with the gaping plot holes and gets-nowhere lines, it showed. And the special effects, GAH, 70's much?
But perhaps, my biggest beef with this movie was the unnatural amount of time showing extreme closeups of Cedric and Blanched Cauliflower a.k.a Bella just staring at each other. For the love of God. Seriously, people. They're in love, we get it. Is that supposed to be, what? artsy? deep? What am I missing here? I have to say that they're hardly coming across as entwined souls wordlessly conveying silent messages of love; instead they merely look sappy, neurotic and slightly cross-eyed.
I wont get started with how I find the movie to be very misogynistic and depressing (bite me and let me forsake everything in my life because I am in love with you, the "hunky", brooding vampire I've met for 3 seconds. In no way should this be perceived as a submissive and self sacrificing gesture I'm doing for a male because we're in love dammit. Also, when I say I shall love you forever and ever and ever, I am not being a psychotic, clingy bitch. Take note).
I fast forwarded 2/5 of the movie because certain scenes were very painful to watch. Like the badly portrayed fight sequence, and the hissing/posturing after the baseball scene, the baseball scene, all the scenes with the dad, all the scene with the vampire dad, the immediately accepting high school cliques scenes, also the prom scene was especially unsettling, and the biology labs scenes, etc. etc. I did enjoy it whenever the evil (evil because they do what vampires are supposed to do) vampires and the Cauliflower's hot Native Indian BFF gets their shine screen time, however small. Oh well, in utmost strife, I do try to find my small pleasure. Happy this is over though.
What?
A sequel?
Shoot me now and bring back the 80's. At least then all we had was Lestat.

Switch off your iPod and lets just do this for 2 hours without saying anything.