living on the edge

something happend on sunday. it took me three days to decide whether it was a good thing or a highly mortifying bad thing. and seeing how now im posting the tell-all it was probably a good thing. but i have doubts. it could just be me dealing with the humiliation and pretending it was good whereas actually it wasnt.
maybe i should just shut up and get on with the program.

it started of well enough. around breakfast i discovered the house is without my favorite cereal (which i eat not only for breakfast). we were only out of yogurt drink and ice cream and some other stuff. it was the end of the month. so after a cereal-less breakfast, mom, my sister and i bundled off to the nearest giant hypermarket to get the basics. we were also bored.
the only thing about the hypermart i like was the produce section. the neighbourhood giant is with some serious fun produce section. this includes the bakery, deli and the watever it is they have there. serious fun.
so there we were, my sister and i, debating about the finer points of cooking kangkung, when i thot i saw a guy who looks kinda familiar. we was prolly about, 3 aisles away, next to the onion (or was it durian?) bin. after 5 minutes of trying to rack my brain for a name and a place, i was about to pass him off as some guy who looks familiar but apparently not important enough to seriously remember.
so i made some offhand remark to my sister,'that guy looks familiar..' and ambled away leaving her with the cart. then she replied 'you prolly kno each other, he has been staring at us for the past 5 aisles'
interesting.
then i remembered la, farith (not his real name) and we met 3 plus plus years ago. and here's the bomb: i used to date him. i mean, he wasnt my boyfriend or anything but we went out coupla times but didnt hit it off and we sorta drifted apart.
there i was, with my old navy sweat pants, my kinda ratty tshirt, slippers and sunday hair (read: pony tail and couldnt be bothered) not a molecule of makeup. the only good thing i cud say was, at least i smell good. snort.
i know it shouldnt matter, i couldnt even remember his name forheavenssake, but hey, if u wanna stumble across ur ex-almost-bf any sane person wud wish u look an iota better. preferably on the arm of james denton.
anyway, deciding not to care and almost certain dat he sure as hell wont remember me, i went on with our leisurely sunday girls shopping. i ditched my sister to get some yummy chicken potato salad. but the drama aint over yet.
i was standimg in line to get my guilt food weighed and priced at the timbang counter. in front of me was this nice tudung girl. and just my luck, farith appeared out of the woodwork to stand beside her.
no cause to have a heart attack, xcept he kept glancing back. at me. i think. (he could also be checking out the nyonya behind me, but wtf). tudung girl gave some stuff for him to put in the basket he was carrying and he kept on oh-so-nonchalantly looking at me. and he wasnt very subtle about it. i almost had to physically restrain myself from patting my hair or something. sad. about 40 seconds later, i cant stand the suspense any longer and braved a smile. he sorta smiled(grimaced) back. then he turned to me and sed 'do i know u? in a very friendly, puzzled, im-seriously-not-hitting-on-u way.
i sed,'yeah, ure farith, yes? i think i kno u'
the poor bugger was even more suprised. the puzzled look squared. oh drama.
'u have no idea who i am..*smile*' i gave my salad to the timbang girl and got it back in 6 seconds flat, all the while the guy was standing in front of me, still very much clueless. tudung girl is AWOL.
deciding ive been subtly insulted enough for the day. i told him very kindly dat its okay, and u have a good day, byebye now and walked away.
all the while thinking:choi. am i really dat forgetable?
watever.
caught up with my sister at the cereal section. and part II drama: farith came up to us. 'nella kan? are u nella?' pause. then my sister calmly strolled away with the cart. oi.
'sorry i tak kenal u tadi. u had ur shades on, i couldnt remember. nampak u without ur sunglasses then baru ingat.no wonder la nampak familiar sangat'
embarassed laugh all around.
apparently im not at all that forgetable. even 17 pounds overweight and looking like a off duty drag queen.
so we chatted, a little. he was doing his degree in architecture. and he's 25 years old. wow. i dated an older guy when i was 19. i didnt know dat.
so, blah blah blah, lets exchange phone number, shall we? and this he actually said,
'wait, let me get ur number as well, last time u didnt give me your number and u never called me. i even called ur shop (i was with starbucks then) but they say they cant give out employees number. tu yang lost contact tu.
i am lousy with numbers and keeping in touch. strangely flattered dat a guy took the effort. even if it was 3 years ago.
blah blah blah, yeah we shud hang out. blah blah blah. small talk, small talk.
so we parted company with each others numbers and i regaled the tale to my mom on the way back. to which she said,'ure so fat now, noone would even recognize u. no suprise. u really should lose weight'
oi.
ahem. he called me yesterday and we talked somemore. tudung girl was his cousin. hes currently seeing someone else, as i am and love to meet up next time. specially since i live in the same neighbourhood as tudung girl's family.
so, it wasnt so bad.
why then, do i still cringe when i recalled his face wen he couldnt remember me at the salad queue, especially his face when i mentioned his name.

sigh.
every man to his day.
oh drama.

rainbow

obliging min. pretti erm,structure near our lodging. i haf no idea wat it is/its spposed to be. but its pretti tho. as eelin put it "..its so predictable la. nell always goes for the happy preppy colors.."

happy preppy colors rock.

sansamida!!

at long, freaking last.
ladies of shuhaime weekend getaway : KOREA

i discovered after the trip dat me being the photographer person in charge holding the camera most of the time sorta ensures that i haf pictures of every location slash event slash interesting happenings slash everything of the whole trip.
i document very well, if i may say so myself.
that being said, i also discovered dat as the picture person, i wud only end up wif 7 (read it, SEVEN) pictures of me,from overall of the 350 images captured during our 3 days escapade to incheon. seven. i have 13 pictures of the naedaemun gate building but only 7 pictures of me. and i hate half of it.
the word ure looking for is SAD.
anyway;

the infamous naedaemun market gate.nice tho. we went during summer but we it rained everyday. not that we wud let mere rain hamper the activities we had planned, of course. i did mentioned all we did was shop, right? put 3 women together and we else wud u expect? dad promised another korea trip next spring wif the whole family and dat time we would go sight seeing, other than shop that is.



me and me big sister. and rice cakes. they taste awful.look cute but dats about it. this was on our flight back. where i found out that my old dormate, shazana was working as an air hostess. she looked good. i was undeniable exhausted from my 3 days shopping spree and almost slept the whole way. almost. woke up for the meals tho.

korean pasar malam rocks. this place they have pasar malam everyday. yay.me and sister again. me showing the fingers dat hurts the most from carrying all the bags .the few time the camera was in someone elses hands. my mom, this time i tink. piccies are kinda dark. oh well. is it just me or blogger takes a bloody long time to upload pictures.





this is one of the 7 pictures i have of me(or my body parts). i eat dis(the cherry not the body part) by the wagonload all the time in korea. i munched my way throughout seoul. domination thru summer fruits. does eating dimpled chery makes u get dimples? .. i have weird hands and fingers, man. theyre, weirdlike. the foot on top the pic does not belong to me.

conspiracy theory

u ever had the feeling dat the whole world is against u?
well, i ever since i got back i.e about..5?..months ago (has it really been dat long?egads)i have this distinct feeling dat the whole digital world is in a hate rally against me.
seriously, i dubbed my house the bermuda triangle for electronics and digital devices cause literally everything of the aforementioned nature shall break down one way or the other in this place.
the resident desktop computer is forever (FOREVER!!) messed up. my pc dat i brought from labuan died and refuse to work at first, only after a 60 bucks repair. (i ignorantly blamed the airplane cargo handler cause i did have to check it in on flight but i know better now, dont i?) and this laptop is weird. spyware bombardment aside, this laptop is like, temperamentally weird. my printer which was working fabulously in labuan suddenly required a new usb cable and just my luck, a new ink cartridge (predestined aid available tho and thank God for dat. read: low yatt plaza.) the digi cam is with cancer (its wen one thing after the other goes wrong wif it) our tv is is the shop (we've so gotten used to smaller tvs now so maybe we dont need anything 30" anymore.NOT!)
see wat i mean?
and then there are the inspiration killer aspect. easily put, i barely touched my adobe photoshop the this whole long 5 months im home wen i cud barely live without it even for a day my whole 3 years in labuan. totally whack.
and, wats the deal wif astro lately? dad sed is this close to not gonna pay this month's fee for the cable. i dont blame him.
wat im really saying is, fuck it la, ive been trying to upload my korea pix for days now, wats wrong la wei..
seems like i have software and hardware angst in my hand. to think i used to be so compatible wif technology and any element thereof.

"if confusion is the first step to knowledge, then i must be a genius" -larry leissner

no guts no glory

my life is currently in superb shambles.
my whole future is at stake.
wat, u ask, cud possibly it be now?
i shall proceed to indulge u wif the latest saga of my overly dramatic (at times) life.
on the other hand, i have a maths paper to study.
but, u cry, im supposed to have finished all this messy business of pseudo-student affairs.
confusion confusions.
the saga awaits to be foretell.
patients, mere mortal, patience, soothes i.
sordid crystal comprehension alooms.
behold thyself wif this amusefull haiku meanwhile:

"maths sucks.
numbers are bad.
born is hope
maths to rot "

sigh. heartfelt sigh.


~~ wat happens wen u blog directly after reading discworld newsletters.

letter to a fren on a ledge.

dear fred,
i hear u.
but im not willing to settle for 'gud enuff' in dis life.
the way i see it (even more so after reading ur mails) is im not gonna get a second shot at dis.
nor wud u.
one shot, dats it. might as well make it worth it (despite the perpetual mood swings and neurotic tantrums and attitude mal-adjustment)
at least if i screw up (which i undisputedly would) i wud kno dat ive tried. seriousli, i tink having no idea wat ure gonna do next 5 years is not the end of the world.
i dun even haf plans for the next 5 minutes in my life and i kno people whos clueless of their life even at the age of 40. dis, on the hand, is sad.
at the risk of sounding redundant -we're young and sincerely believe dat part of being young is to be a lil stupit wen it comes to things we are to do wif life.
we are meant and suppose (its in the manual, read it) to be reckless, emotional, vulnerable, dissapointed, pseudo-jaded, misunderstood, selfish, mindless, idealistic, misled, etc etc about life. this, wud roughly translate into FUN.
u dig?
its always good to haf plans for ur life. granted, most of what we plan
wudnt go as plan. no sweat, back to the drawing board.
nothing however, is fate worse than giving on life, giving up having ambitions, giving up on dreaming for the better, giving up planning.
i do see whre ure going wif 'dun plan, itll just bite u in the ass later'. just kno dat, u own ur life. no matter how sucki it is.
just dun, i dunno, just dun give up. surefire way to never make anything better.

u kno wat.
maybe ure just goin thru a phase.
like the'im happy, im perky, lets help suicidal frens to be happy and perky' phase im going thru.
as for u and eva langoria [name altered to perserve frenship]
i dunno, im thinking ure thinking dat eva langoria is prolly the best thing to happen to you.
which is always good but u shud think on how much eva langoria means in ur
life, on the whole, as opposed to u in hers.
frankly, it seems like u might not be fair to her in dis.

the wise guru-ji,
nella shuhaime M D
psychoanalyst extrodinaire

postscript:fred, theres a higly definite possibility dat i migt just be talking thrash. u kno im exceptionally gud at
doing dat. fell free to disregard all. i have too many emotional garbage
involved here.

the return of-

life, or elements thereof has been okay.
latest garbage dat happend from the time i pulled the vanishing act eons ago (in no particular order):-

1.went korea for a short shopping trip wif mom and sister. sinfully great fun. i was broke before, im magnificently negative-broke now.
2. FINISHED MY PRACTICAL TRAINING. whee. i declared myself 4 years of public holidays to celebrate. yay. yay. yay. ergo..
3. im officially unemployed. undecidedly doing a thesis of the exact science of the molecular of higher nervous system thermo inactivity in relative radition exposure from boxlike apparatus for displaying picture and sound. hah! tenure anyone?
4. my grandma is at her deathbed. been travelling to and fro kuantan repeatedly over these 3 weeks. shes not looking too good lately. suddenly its not funny anymore eh?
5. gained 6 kgs. no biggie. choke.

oh well, life goes on..