The World is Just..Awesome

I love the whole world
It's such a brilliant place
Boom-de-ah-da, boom-de-ah-da

Song lyrics : Discovery Channel; I love the world
Picture : Own, driving back from hell work

Work has been just brutal. Needed a heads up to remind me that life is worth living and why I should suppress that suicidal and/or homicidal feelings I have. I love that Discovery Channel song. I listen to it and feel my aneurysms fade away. My left temple would stop ticking. I love rainbows too. I could look at rainbows all day.

Unfortunately, all the soothing in the world can not help me from getting massive cluster headaches when looking up at the towering heights of paperwork I need to do trembling gently in the breeze. Add a psychopath midget yelling maniacally next to that, and I tell you, I could be swimming in a sea of lithium, soaked in rainbows, listening to serene murmurs of the cloistered peace monks of Nepal and cradled naked in the comforting bosom of mother earth herself and I would still have an anxiety attack every time I wake up and realized I have to go to work..

Lord, I'm too young to lose my mind.

What Would You Teach A Mynah Bird

Azzard (my cousin) had a mynah bird once named Bird (very original, right?) Bird was a delightful bundle of feathers. He could talk. Azzard taught him things to say and whenever we visit we would say (yell) our favorite phrases for Bird to repeat. Among the many delightful things he would screech was "I twot I thaw a puddy cat!", "Beam me up, Scotty" and "Hello Bird". Bird died and Azzard replaced him with a cat named, you've guessed it, Cat.

Got me to think, what would I teach a mynah bird to say, should I have one (which I probably never would). The thing about teaching birds to talk is that they pick up words and say them at the weirdest time. More often than not, in front of company. So, I came up with this list of what I want my bird (the hypothetical one I am not getting) to say:

1. Du~de! (I overuse this word like you wont believe)
   
2. Scaramouche, will you do the fandango?
3. Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
4. D'oh!
5. Jam for beavers.
6. Don't make me go there and smack you across your face. (I say this a lot)
7. Resistance is futile.
8. Re-for-ma-si! Re-for-ma-si!
9. No soup for you!
10. Say, you ever watched that movie 'The Birds' by Hitchcock?

What would you teach a mynah bird to say?

Rooming With A Stranger

Dear Stranger I'm Rooming With,

Hi. Seems like we're stuck with each other for a while, eh? I don't know you and you don't know me but we're about to share and see each other doing intimate stuff. Maybe you should know that I'm prepared to like you. I'm a pretty likable girl myself, I like to think. But also at that, I'm also prepared to think you're crap.

One thing I ask, since we're now sharing a bathroom, is that keep the floor dry. Please. This is very important. It's not okay have any water on the floor. Because I will do everything I can and have to, to keep the bathroom floor dry. I will harass housekeeping into giving us an extra floor towel. I will get (and stay) on your case until you get this right. And should I ever find the floor wet after you using the toilet, I will gladly use your bath towel to wipe the water on the floor, around the commode and on the walls. I'm not kidding. I made it abundantly clear the floor has to be dry at all time. I even made up that ridiculous story about having bad balance and mortal fear of slipping on wet tiles. I lied because I was being nice. So if you can't follow this one rule, I will straight out say to your face that how damn kampung or stupid (it's not exclusive) can you be not to know how to use the toilet and keep the floor dry at the same time? Seriously. And wipe the damn counter tops too when you're fucking done too, please.

And yes, stranger I'm rooming with, I bathe a lot. Especially before bed. I like being clean when I sleep. But I also understand that some people still struggle with issues of their hygiene even when they are 30 years old.

It is not weird to unpack and put all clothes in the drawers either, stranger I'm rooming with. I do that if I'm staying for more than one night. You correctly assume I do this because I like to avoid clothes getting crumpled. But I also do this so that I wont have my clean clothes and dirty laundry in one cramped, airless bag. So, you may well take heed of this, that when I have one piece of shirt stinking of BO, my clean clothes are not being infused by it when I shoved it into a small space together.

I watch a lot of TV. Whenever I can. I hog the remote too. This I am not ashamed to admit. This is where communication is needed. Tell me if you want to watch something else. I may (or may not) compromise. I believe I am a peaceful TV watcher and will always mute the volume when you're praying. I also believe I watch interesting stuff. I appreciate you approving my choices of TV programmes. I am happy to be the person to introduce you to the joy of watching Mythbuster, Dirty Jobs and Man vs. Wild. But stop talking when I'm watching. I do not need to hear your comments on anything regarding the show we are now watching together. This is where communication is absolutely not needed. Shut up and just watch the show. While we're at that, even if you can't understand what they're showing while I'm watching ESPN, the shut the fuck up rule still applies.

Stay out of my toiletries bag. And just because you asked, the reason I have sunblock in the bag is because I use this one toiletries bag for all my travels. It has everything I think I need for when I travel. Sometimes, where I go may require me slathering sunblock. Not this time though. The existence of that tube of SPF50 sunblock in my zipped toiletries bag does not dictate my desire to swim in the hotel pool. I applaud your use of brain to deduct this, Sherlock, but unfortunately this is not true. And again, if you ever touch my stuff, I will whoop your ass.

So okay, inasmuch as I detest asking you for anything, I need to borrow your prayer mat. Don't act so surprise that I know and execute this necessity of a Muslim to perform the 5 prayers a day. Your surprise insults me. And I don't really need your prayer mat, I could always use the spare bath towel and even better, I could just have housekeeping send one up. I understand how a shallow person such as yourself may conform your mind to stereotype people as it is easier than keeping an open mind, but I really do know what I am doing and you should stop acting so fucking astonished that one such as I can actually solat normally. You know what, keep your mat, I'm calling housekeeping.

I like quiet time to myself. For this may surprise many, I enjoy some alone time just doing things I enjoy i.e. reading, messing around on my laptop, watching TV. So, stranger I'm rooming with, you may find me in this room we share more often than not when I don't have to be anywhere else. Feel free to leave me alone. I am not lonely. I am not in need of you filling up the silence. I like the silence. I don't feel the same about you. Usually I would spare some time getting to know the new people I meet, for I am a pretty friendly person, as I have mentioned and I like talking and getting to know people better. But seeing how there's completely nothing about you that does not irritate the hell out of me, I don't want to talk to or with you. I'm sorry you only get to see my splendidferous stuck up bitch side for I do have a more lovelier side I present to normal people. But you had your chance and you blew it when you bathed a spasmodic whale on the bathroom floor on the first day we started rooming together.

Lastly, dear stranger I'm rooming with, you'd notice that I use the shower cap when I shower. I would leave the shower cap on the hook next to the hairdryer on the vanity. Should you feel like sharing that, go ahead. Just don't let me know. But if you're not using it, leave it fucking well alone. Getting the shower cap wet in the inside is not cool. At all. Why are you playing with my shower cap, in any case? Can you get any weirder? Do you need special attention I should know of? If you want something to play, play with my razor. Slide the top part on your wrists. Look at the pretty red liquid gushing out. Just make sure to do it in the tub. I still wont tolerate wet tiles. Even by blood.

So there. I can't say I'm happy to meet you, stranger I'm rooming with. I am sure though that you'll be no less of a stranger to me when we part ways then when we we first meet. I wish you all the best and all the wet toilet tiles you ever wish.

Sincerely,
Nella
Room 618, Concorde, Shah Alam

Good

Green tea with Sprite.
Sounds like a fright,
But tastes so good.
Better believe it, dood.

What's Normal for Me..

Warning: this is one long ass post.

Okay, I realized the previous post shows too much of my Raya Grinch-ness. To be fair, my Raya wasn't so bad. Pretending that you want to know (and since I have the whole Eid picture folder on me right now), I shall regale you with my exploits during the 1st, 2nd and 3rd Raya, in parts. Brace yourself (for lameness-esque).

Day Uno

Raya Pertama di rumah bonda,
Rumah bonda di ibu kota,
Nak buat camne, saya memang tinggal di sana,
Nak balik kampung, ramai dah mati pula.

After slaving away the day before Raya to get the house ready (which deserves a whole different post), we woke up early and had our teary, emotional bersalamsalaman session before we went to pray at the Masjid Belakang Bukit together(bukan nama di sign board). As usual, I would be sleep deprived and would maintain my shameful tradition of sleeping through the 2 khutbahs.

Home, breakfast and the annual first visit from our neighbour, Uncle Lan and his whole brood. We would be the only 2 Malay families left in whole Lorong during Raya time. Soon after they left, we were decended by my dad's sister and his family. More food being served, more dishes to do. Sorry, just have to put that in.

Then our two families left for my dad's uncle's house. This was where I got my only duit Raya. Yay dad's uncle!

Again, our two families moved to Kajang to visit my dad's other sister's house (he has 8 of them, don't ask). Since this sister also married my mom's brother (confusing you?), us cousins are pretty close.

After which, my family (ditched the first aunt's family) and left with this new aunt's family to go to my mom's brother's house which is also in Kajang.

Later we maintained formation and went on to visit my dad's other sister's house in Sepang. This is where we regrouped with the first aunt on top of my dad's other sister. Basically, Sepang was over flowing with my dad's sisters. If you were keeping tabs (and you should), there've been 4 aunts altogether. In one Raya day.

So, what do you do at relatives houses when you come visit the during first day of Raya?

You eat. My dad sleeps.
Nom. Nom. Nom.

Snore.

You take and pose for loads and loads and loads and loads of pictures.
See that behemoth of a man on the left? Behind him, totally eclisped by his girth, is my brother and a cousin. Damn, you're huge Abah.

Dammit, people. We should be able to get this right already.

You eat somemore.
Nom. Nom. Nom.

You take more goofy, unnecessary pictures.
Themed photo.
Left to right: I'm confused, I want to play with the big cousins, I overact, I'm boring, I'm actually posing.

You be merry.
What's so funny, Maksu? We are. Yes, we are. We are hilarious.
Everybody: 'Yes, we are, aren't we?'
Hilarity ensued.

Of course, there's the bersalaman and bermaafan.
100% posed.

Best looking cousin couldn't pass up a photo op. He's cute though, right?
He's 15, you perverts. Sheesh.

Day one of Raya for me ended at 1.04 am. It wasn't all torture, I have to admit.

My Raya and I Care About Yours.

Selamat Hari Raya! Maaf Zaher Batin.
How was yours?
Mine?Never ending chores, obnoxious relatives, endless travel, violation of diet, non stop gabbing, unfamiliar beds, infinite squabbling, perpetual fund depleting and constantly pretending I'm joyously feeling the Raya spirit.

3rd Day of Eid, at our Kuantan hideout. Fast becoming less amused with the whole holiday idea and fast running outta Raya garbs.

..in our family potrait, we looked pretty happy, we looked pretty normal...

Postscript: Who blogs on Raya anyways? What kind of loser existence do you live to want to blog on Raya? Or even 2nd day of Raya, at that? Even I'm not that big of a loser.

Postscript: Lost 1.5 kgs during the fasting month. Yay. Gained 2kgs in 2 days of Raya. Die.