Closet Mechanics (Jeans)

Skinny Jeans are jeans that
A) require frantic jumping, sweating, grunting and lying down and sucking in your guts to get in to after being laundered.
B) fit you like cling wrap.
C) not suitable for visiting elders.
D) you would bust your nail zipping.
E) make you feel like JLo.
Fat Jeans are jeans that
A) you wear when youre retaining more water than usual.
B) waistline wont cut in you after a big meal.
C) will not show any VPL regardless.
D) wont be caught dead in, in front of your dates.
E) is for weekends.

Super-fat Jeans are jeans that
A) you keep so that you have something to wear when you're painting the walls.
B) is your emergency jeans on those laundry days.
C) you wont be caught dead in. ever.

My Dad's Jeans are jeans that
A) belonged to Dad when he was 27.

My Fat Jeans are now My Skinny Jeans.
My Super Fat Jeans are now My almost-Skinny Jeans.
My Skinny Jeans are at the back of my closet because hope is a wonderfully thing to have.
I can fit into My Dad's Jeans now.
I can faintly hear my body's cry for help everytime I put My Dad's Jeans on. It's saying, "Lard Ass, for fuck's sake, STOP STUFFING YOUR FACE ALREADY!"
*sobs gently into my Strawberry Chocolate Pavlova*