Humour Orientation : British

I prefer British comedies over American. Dane Cook is not funny. Eddie Izzard is. So is Stephen Fry and Alan Davies and Phil Jupitus and Bill Bailey and Jo Brand. British stand ups (or Welsh, Scots, Irish, you get the drift) are funnier. The US may have more popular sitcoms but the British people are funnier. Their jokes are funny without being crass and, with some slight exceptions of British reality shows, and more intelligent. They do better at sarcasm too.
QI is gold. Doesn't get any more random than this. Read, learn and weep, Cook.

1. George Foreman delivering a powerful right hand to a parakeet.
2. Does the pope eat beavers?
3. The fear of not being able to find the receipt for a faulty item.
4. He had a concrete swimming cap.
5. They explode on contact with fondant.
6. You'll be safer carrying a freshly butchered elk leg.
7. Put Smarties tubes on cats legs and make them walk like robots.
8. You could put your head in custard and no one cares.
9. The little book of calm and mace spray.
10. Put in the fucking saucepan you fucking idiot, show a bit of fucking passion.
11. I think you look more like a welder.
12. Technically I think you could fax a snake.
13. Where the little people prance and dance.
14. Eat well, shit hard.
15. I'll leave a little stumpage.
16. For all intent and purpose, you're dead, let it go.
17. Two bears crawled out and they were shot.
18. A rotten badger and a jealous sloth.
19. I have spilled coffee on the anteater.
20. Today my cheese got stuck in the wall.
21. They should put railings around you and have children come and stare at you.
22. The sea is in fact only 4% water.
23. He was deep-fried into submission.
24. I like to have no bodily smell.
25. That's not a bear, that's the Sydney Opera House.
26. Cold like Venus in winter.
27. The gene pool needs a little chlorine, you know who you are.
28. This pink polenta, I like pink polenta.
29. Is it mint?

Try and use as many as you can in one day. I've ended stories with number 20 and used numbers 4, 8, 19 and 24 in my conversations today. Use it in your emails or put it on your sandwich, they're simply delicious.