wentworth miller

and the mania continues..

i have this magazine cut out i posted on my overcrowded notice board in my room.
it says "everything is for nothing, u're gonna die anyways"
depressing.
lord knows why i put it up, eons ago.
when i woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was that, it really put the lead in my feet.
the feeling you get when ure so sick of everything. that u really hate ur life.
the whole way to work i was thinking of that stupid sign and wat im really doing to myself, to my life. is it all worth it? am i happy? wat am i waiting to be happy?
wat am i waiting to be happy?
permission? who from?
allowance? wat for?
revellation? wat u call this then?
everything is for nothing, u're gonna die anyways.
i have the normal healthy amout of fear of death everyone has.
its not the dying that scares me, its the before.
and it scares me a lot.
why am i the way i am?
how insecured am i thinking that im a secured person?
who am i living this life for?
am i settling? can i do more? do i want to do more?
who to say anything? who to not listen to anything?
wat have i been doing all this while?
for whom am i doing it for?
was i happy? was i content?
am i happy now? can i be happy?


maybe i should just take down the bloody sign.
surely, it still means nothing has changed.
oh goodie, im schelduled for a brain transplant next week.
sigh. moan.

update:
as i was sitting down my puny cubicle, set for a day of mundane work, i got a text message from a friend, wishing me good morning and reminding me that and i quote, "instead of thinking of waking up everyday is for work, try to remember to be grateful for each day u get to wake up is a chance to be thankful for everything and everyone u have, each day after this is a blessing, live it as such."
that combined with a random rob thomas' when the heartache ends, makes a pretty potent system jolt.
unselfishly, ive been questioning life, unsuspectingly, ive been looking for more.
when all i have now, i barely deserve.